


Hope

by clearascountryair



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Child Death, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Fic, Please just heed the tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-06 14:03:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8755405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clearascountryair/pseuds/clearascountryair
Summary: “It’s easy to keep the past to yourself when there’s nothing all that certain about the future.”She ran her thumb along his hand.  “Your future’s certain,” she said, thinking of the shiny pink skin dotting her own stomach.  I make sure of that.





	

**Author's Note:**

> **Did you read the tags?**
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks, Casey, for beta-ing and sharing in my misery
> 
> (You know times you see those theories/headcanons on tumblr and simultaneously go "FUCK NO" and "I can't unthink this"? This is that for "Hope 4/18/06")

April 18, 2017

Even as she walked into the Playground, she wasn’t really sure why she was there.  She glanced down at her phone again as they waved her through security, hoping that she might be able to interpret something new out of the text.  


******_Fitz_**  
 _If you’re by any chance in the area at all today, could you come to base?  Please?  Thanks  -F_  


Elena shoved her phone back in her pocket.

“Hey!” She reached out for a passing lab tech.  “Is Fitz in the lab?”

“Rec room, I think.”

She nodded and left.  When she got to the rec room, Fitz was leaning against the counter, beer in hand, talking quietly to Jemma.

“It’s not even one yet,” she said, causing both to look at her.  “Isn’t it too early for beer?”

To her surprise, Fitz didn’t bother with joking back.  He passed Jemma his beer, whispered something in her ear, and walked over.

“Thanks for coming,” he said, gesturing for her to follow.

She nodded.  “Yeah, what’s wrong?”

“Mack.  Hasn’t left his room all day.”

“Maybe he overslept?” she asked, although she knew that was unlikely.

“Ha.  Mack hasn’t slept past...eight, maybe?  Ever, probably.”

“And you need me because?”

“His door’s locked, he won’t answer his phone, and I don’t go with him to his room ever?  Definitely not enough to see him key in his code.”

Elena stopped and crossed her arms.  “We’re not…” she tried.  “There’s nothing...I’m not sleeping with him.”

Fitz rolled his eyes.  “Elena, I’m not going to get into what happens in Mack’s room when you get back from the field, but, _platonically_ or otherwise, you’re sleeping with him, so can you get into his room and see if he’s okay?”

Elena uncrossed her arms.  He had a point.  It had been a while since she had slept on base in one of the unused rooms.  True, the first time they had just been talking, she had planned on sleeping somewhere else.  But after that it just became natural.

(Natural in a very strange way where she fell asleep in his arms, curled up against his chest, and woke up with their legs intertwined like what they were doing was normal.  “Next time,” she had joked once, “I’m going to make you kiss me before you get me in bed.”  And he had smiled far too sadly for her joke, kissed her forehead and said, “One day.”)

She sighed. “Yeah,” she said.  “I know the code.”

Fitz smiled.  “Thanks.  Um, I don’t want to startle him or...whatever.  But will you text me if you need me?”

She nodded and Fitz began to walk back towards the rec room.

“Fitz!”

He looked over his shoulder.

“Thanks for texting me.”

“Yeah, anytime.”

Shoving her hands in her pockets, she began walking towards Mack room.  She paused for a moment outside his door, unsure whether to knock or just go in.  But Fitz had already tried to reach him, so perhaps the time for knocking was done.  She opened the cover of the keypad.  

4-1-8-6

The room was dark when she entered, the light from the hall telling her Mack was in bed, lying face down, but neither said a word.  He shifted in bed and, from his breathing, she knew he was awake.

She walked over to his dresser and began taking off her clothes.

(“I smell like train and sweat,” she had told him on more than one occasion.  “I’m not stinking up your bed.”)

She pulled on a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants many sizes too large, tying them as tight at the waist as she could and still holding them up as she walked over to his bed.

“I really should keep a pair of pants here,” she whispered.  “I feel like I’m drowning.”

Mack said nothing, but turned onto his side and, without looking at her, held out his hand.  

Wordlessly, she took it and let him pull her close.  Immediately, he pressed his face into her neck, wrapping his arms around her, and she could feel his tears hot against her skin.  She kissed the top of his head.

“Talk to me.  Please.”

Mack nodded against, taking a deep breath.  “It’s her birthday,” she felt more than heard him say.  “She’d be eleven today.”

She wrapped her arms all the more tightly around him.  “Who?”

She could feel his eyes squeeze shut against her shoulder as he broke.

“My kid,” he said, and she could only respond with silence.  


* * *

_  
Fall 2005 _

_It was a little over a month since the breakup, and Mack’s still finding her shit around the apartment._ His _apartment.  Sure, the past couple of months she’s effectively lived there, but she still had her own studio, her own lease, and that made the breakup all the easier.  Still, for someone who didn’t officially live there, she had a lot of shit._

_Today, it was an ugly Christmas sweater.  He stared at it for a moment and remembered the first time he saw it.  The first time he saw her.  It had been Joan’s Christmas party and she had been introduced as Camille and he immediately recognized her face as someone who internally curses their mother when they hear their given name._

_“Callie,” she had corrected, her pale face reddening in anger._

_“I get that,” he had said.  “My mom named me Alphonso.”_

_She had laughed and he had gotten her a shot of something, and the next morning she wore one of his flannels and made him breakfast._

_He tossed it into the growing pile of her things behind his couch.  He’d take it GoodWill or something when he remembered._

_The door buzzed._

_“Yup?”_

_“Alfie?”_

_“You’ve finally come for your shit?”_

_He could almost see her rolling her eyes.  “Can we talk, Alfie?  Please?  Just buzz me up.”_

_So he did, and when she knocked on the door a minute later, he answered it with the ugly Christmas sweater in his hand.  “It’s October now, so I guess you need this back.”_

_Callie sighed.  “Don’t be so juvenile.”_

_He sat on the couch.  “Me?  Cal, you cut up my favorite shirt because I wasn’t mad enough you were leaving.”_

_“I’m sorry.”  She sat on the couch, staring at her legs.  “I wanted you to be angry.  I wanted you to fight for me.”_

_“Christ, Callie, how old are you?”_

_“Don’t act like you’re so perfect!”_

_Mack shut his eyes and tilted his head back.  “What do you want?”_

_“I need you to listen to me.  Please.  And tell me what to do.”_

_Mack sighed.  “What wrong?”_

_“I’m pregnant.”  Her voice cracked only slightly as she spoke.  “I’m pregnant and I don’t know what to do.”_

_For a moment, he stared at her, unsure of what exactly she meant by her words.  But there were tears in her eye and she seemed torn between meeting his gaze and avoiding it at all costs.  He shut his eyes once more, leaning back into the couch._

_“Alfie?”_

_Her voice sounded so small._

_“Alfie, what do I do?”_

_He took her hand._

_“Stay,” he said, and she curled up into his side and cried._  


* * *

  
April 18, 2017

They were leaning up against his headboard, her back pressed against his chest.  She had been prepared to hold him, to hear what it was that had so long been “I have to tell you, but not today.”

But he had avoided her gaze and sat against the headboard, so she allowed him not to be seen.  She leaned her head back, resting it on his chest, his arms around her waist and his hands tangled in her own.  He dropped his head forward to rest on her shoulder, his words pouring out in warm breaths.  She’d cover him, if he wanted her to.  Be his blanket.

(His shield, she may have thought at another time)

He laughed against her skin, startling both her and himself with his interruption.  “I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone this before.”

Elena squeezed his hand and spoke for the first time.  “Why?”

Mack shrugged.  “It’s easy to keep the past to yourself when there’s nothing all that certain about the future.”

She ran her thumb along his hand.  “Your future’s certain,” she said, thinking of the shiny pink skin dotting her own stomach.  _I make sure of that_.  

“Yeah, but um…” Mack was silent for a moment, pressing his face closer against her and tightening his grip.  “But there’s no secrets between us.”

She shut her eyes, squeezing his hands as tightly as she could, as though she could transfer every feeling and every thought into him.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

He nodded against her and took a deep breath as he continued.  “She was fun,” he whispered.

“Callie?”

“Yeah.  It was one of those relationships where you know it’s not gonna last forever.  There was nothing wrong with it, it was fun while it lasted, but she didn’t love me and I didn’t love her.  When I wasn’t with her, I wasn’t spending all my time thinking about her, you know?  I didn’t think about how much I loved her each time I saw her.  It wasn’t like…”

He trailed off, but his grip on her hands had grown impossibly tight, and she squeezed back as if to say “I understand.”  


* * *

_  
June 4, 2006 _

_He could hear her walking around the apartment when he woke up, the footsteps of someone who would rather not be heard, but not so much so that they’ll take off their shoes.  Part of him thought he should get out of bed, make the coffee the right way because she made it the wrong way.  But through his mostly shut eyes, he could see that the room was still dark, and as long as the baby wasn’t crying, he thought, perhaps, he could sleep in._

_Of course, not two minutes later, a shrill wail pierced through the silence of morning.  Mack groaned and was about to open his eyes when he heard Callie race across the room, shoes clacking._

_A minute later, wails turned to whimpers as she whispered words he couldn’t quite make out.  He began to drift back to sleep, Callie’s words soft and far away as she walked towards their room._

_“It’ll all be okay, Hope,” she breathed over Hope’s whimpers.  “Why don’t we just go to Daddy?  You know your daddy loves you very, very much.”_

_When her voice hovered over him, he reached his hands up, taking the baby and bringing her to his chest._

_“Where are you going?” he murmured, trying to get his eyes to open._

_“Shhhh,” she whispered, pressing a kiss to Hope’s forehead.  “Go back to sleep.”  Then, after what might have been a moment’s hesitation, she kissed Mack’s forehead.  “Hope is so lucky, Alphonso Mackenzie, to have you as her daddy.”_

_Again, he asked, “Where are you going?”_

_But he knew even then that where didn’t matter.  She wasn’t coming back._

_“Go back to sleep,” she repeated._

_So he turned onto his side, pulled his daughter against his chest, and went back to sleep._  


* * *

  
April 18, 2017

If it were the time to be selfish, she would turn around and hold him.

But he was still sitting behind her, his words still bouncing off her neck in soft breaths.  For several minutes, neither spoke.  It was his story, and she would not take it from him.

(She might have, if she had known how much he wanted her to.  But she didn’t.)

He kept his head resting on her shoulder, his words exhausting him in the way no field operation ever could.  She turned her head slightly, still respecting his gaze, to rest the side of her face against his chest, his heart pounded furiously beneath her ear.  He adjust quickly, reburying his face in hair.

(He wondered, for a moment, if she knew how badly he just wanted to turn it all off, to lose himself in her and, in doing so, find himself again.)

“She had always been childish,” he finally said.  “But I didn’t expect her to just disappear.”

“Just like that?”

He nodded into her hair.  “Never called, never sent a forwarding address.  Nothing.  Not even on Hope’s birthday.  She was...”  He paused for a moment before gently poking Elena’s arm.  “ _Una perra_.”

Only just raising an eyebrow, she finally turned her face up to meet his gaze.  He managed to smile, though she wanted to tell him he didn’t have to.  Instead, she squeezed his arm.

“She wasn’t,” he said.  “Not really, I guess.  We didn’t get along, we didn’t love each other.  I didn’t mind her leaving me.  And I didn’t mind having to raise Hope myself.  But Hope couldn’t remember her at all.  And that wasn’t fair.  She brought Hope into the world, though,” he said.  “But that might have only been the right choice she ever made.”

Elena let out a breath, even though so told herself to stay silent.  “She told you Hope was lucky to have you.  I think she was right about that.”

He nodded against her.  “I hope so,” he whispered.  “I like to think she thought so.”

And then, after a moment of silence, “I think she would have liked you.  I think she would have liked you very much.”  


* * *

_  
December 11, 2009 _

_Mack shut his eyes and suppressed a groan.  It was a quarter past eight in the evening and Hope was hyper.  There was a tiny gasp and a_ thunk _against his leg.  Opening his eyes, he put an hand on Hope’s head._

_“Be careful, princess.”_

_Hope giggled and ran ahead towards the parking garage._

_“Dammit,” he whispered, and then “Don’t you run on ice, Hope Mackenzie!  And don’t cross the street without Daddy.”_

_But Hope kept running._

_“Hope!  Freeze!”_

_He grinned as Hope immediately stopped, skidding only slightly on the ice before coming to a complete stop, arms held aloft, mouth open.  He smiled as he knelt down in front of her._

_“Hope, do you get to run away from Daddy when we’re out?”_

_She stared at him._

_“You can move again, princess.”_

_Hope let out a little sigh and dropped her arms.  “Oh, thank god.”_

_Macks stifled a laugh.  “Do you get to run away, Hope?”_

_“No, Daddy.”_

_“Especially at night, right?”_

_“Right!”_

_“And we don’t run on ice, right?  Because then we get hurt.”_

_Hope nodded solemnly and held out her arms.  Smiling, Mack scooped her up and continued walking towards the car._

_“See, Hope, this is what we call a win-win situation.”_

_She giggled.  “Daddy?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Can I have a Tiana dress?”_

_“When are you gonna wear a Tiana dress?”_

_“Halloween?  To School?”_

_He kissed the top of her head.  “Halloween’s a long way away, princess.  You’re gonna be so much bigger by then.”_

_Hope reached around and grabbed his face, causing him to stop walking._

_“If I get too big, are you going to disappear?”_

_Cocking his head, Mack shift Hope from his side to in front of him.  “Why would you think that?”_

_Hope shrugged and turned her head away.  “I dunno, Daddy.”_

_“Hope.”_

_She continued looking at her dangling feet._

_“Hope, look at Daddy.”_

_She looked up at him, her bottom lip stuck out slightly, barely trembling._

_“Daddy’s not going anywhere, Hope,” he said, pulling her in and kissing her nose.  “Not ever.  You’re stuck with me.”_

_She smiled and kissed him before wrapping her arms around him, humming what might have been a song from the movie into his neck.  Neither spoke until they got to the car, snowflakes glistening in Hope’s curls and on their scarves.  Hoping her quietness was a sign of sleepiness, Mack wordlessly settled Hope into her car seat, buckling her in and kissing the top of her head before walking around to the driver’s seat._

_“Daddy?”_

Damn _, maybe she wasn’t drifting off after all._

_“What’s up, princess?”_

_“Did Mommy turn into a frog, too?”_

_He turned around in his seat to look at her.  “What?”_

_“Is that why she got lost?  Because she turned into a frog?”_

_“Oh, Hope.”  He took her foot in his hand and leaned back to kiss it.  “No, sweetie, Mommy’s not a frog.”_

_“Then how’d she get lost?”  She let out a little gasp.  “Is she a mermaid?  Did she have to go back to the sea?”_

_Mack gave her foot a squeeze.  “No, Hope, I don’t think Mommy’s a mermaid, either--”_

_“Is she stuck sleeping?”_

_“Hope, sweetie--”_

_“I don’t know how we got her lost, Daddy.”_

_Mack squeezed his eyes shut for a brief moment.  “Sometimes people just...they don’t get lost sometimes.  Sometimes they just stop being there.”_

_Hope looked down at where he was still holding her foot, her lip still pouted.  “She looked like a princess, right, Daddy?”_

_He gave her foot one last squeeze.  “_ You _look like a princess.”_

_Hope giggled.  “Yeah, I do!”_

_Mack smiled has he turned back around and started the car.  He faked a yawn.  “Geez, Hope.  It’s so late, I wish I could go to bed instead of driving home.”_

_Hope was quiet for a moment, and then said, “I can drive, Daddy!  And you can take a nap.”_

_He laughed.  “Yeah, nice try.  You want the music on?”_

_“Not sleepy music.”_

_Mack rolled his eyes as he began backing out of the space.  “Yeah, sleepy music.”  He slammed on the breaks as a group of teenagers ran behind the car.  “What the…” he bit his lip, catching himself._

_“You forgot the ‘fuck,’ Daddy.”_

_He glanced at Hope in the rearview mirror.  “Hey!  You don’t get to say that ‘til you pay the bills.”_

_“I got a penny!”_

_“Hope!”_

_“Sorry, Daddy.”_

_She began humming to herself, something she frequently did in the long car rides to help her fall asleep.  So maybe, he thought, it would be best to take the long way home.  Give Hope time to doze off._

_Instead, the humming slowly turned to singing._

_“Hopey, it’s time to quiet down now.”_

_“I don’t think so.”_

_“Hope, it is so past your bedtime.”_

_She quieted for a moment, but soon began humming against, quietly at first and then louder, as though he might not notice the gradient._

_He might have said, “Hope, honey, it’s time to be quiet.”_

_He might have said, “Hope, it’s time to go to sleep.”_

_(but he might have said, “Hope, honey, be quiet.”)_

_He might have said, “Hope, time to calm down.”_

_(but he might have said, “Hope, be quiet.”)_

_He might have said, “Hope--”_

_(but he might have said, “Be quiet.”)_

 

_In the end, it didn’t matter.  It was over as soon as it had started._  


* * *

  
April 18, 2017

At some point, she had turned on his lap to face him fully.  Or maybe he had turned her.  Regardless, she sat in his lap, straight as she could, and held him when he broke against her.  She rested her chin on his head, his breath warm and ragged against her neck, and knew there was nothing that could be said.  She was sure that they had passed several hours like that, barely breathing, barely moving, when he spoke again.

“I could have said anything.”

“Mack…”

“I have no idea if the last thing I said to her was ‘be quiet.’  I don’t know when I last told her I loved her.”

“You know better,” she whispered, sliding her hand between them to cup his face, forcing him to look at her.  “Don’t do that.”

He nodded, leaning his face into her hand. “It was quick,” he said, though she wasn’t sure if it was to tell her or to remind himself.  “So I know that wanting...wanting to say goodbye to her--I know it’s selfish.”

“Mack.”  She ran a thumb over his cheek.  “Has anyone ever told you how very not selfish you are?”

He ran his hands down her arm, shifting them until they were laying side by side, his head still bowed against her.

“Thank you.”  He squeezed her hand.  “I didn’t want--”

“Don’t you dare tell me you didn’t want to burden me.  _Estoy contigo.  Siempre_.  I won’t leave so easily.”

He shut his eyes.  “Most days, I can manage.  But some days, I can’t move.  It’s like they’re telling me all over again.  And I don’t know what to do.”

“You stay here.”  She pressed her lips to the top of his head.  “You stay here and I stay as long as you want me.”

She couldn’t hear what he whispered, but could feel the breath of “ _para siempre_ ” against her neck.  So she nodded.

“You don’t get to get rid of me.  Not without fighting.  You deserve more, Mack.  Don’t forget that.”

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Bullshit.”  And she could feel him smile against her.  “Did you sleep last night?”

He only hesitated for a moment before shaking his head.  

“Then sleep.  I’ll still be here.”

He nodded, shifting them again so her head now rested on his chest.

“Elena?”

“Yeah?”

“You believe in Heaven?”

She nodded against his chest, feeling his fingers combing through her hair.  “ _Sin duda_.”

“Do you think--” he took a shuddering breath, unable to finish his question.  So, again, Elena nodded.

“You want to know if she up there bragging about how her daddy beats up aliens or complaining that you’re embarrassing her?”

Mack let out a mix between a sob and a snort.  “Yeah.  That.”

“Definitely bragging.  Who else has a dad who fights aliens?”

For a moment, there was silence and she wondered if, perhaps, he had fallen asleep.  But then,

“Elena?”

“Hm?”

“ _Te quiero_.”

She smiled against his chest.  “ _Lo sé._ ”


End file.
